


One must not keep a mouse in the house

by LilithFeminaPrima



Category: Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (TV 2018)
Genre: Crack, F/F, Pets, lilith gets a rat, this family smh, this has too many vine references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:41:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,934
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26910805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilithFeminaPrima/pseuds/LilithFeminaPrima
Summary: "Zelds?-Hmm?-Wanna see a butterfly?-I- yes...they’re beautiful.”The brunette smirked and conjured a large stick of butter. The redhead’s eyes widened and she sent her a warning glare.“I swear to you, Lily, if you dare to throw that stick of-”The demoness just laughed and yeeted the stick of butter out into the forest, her demon strength making it fly so far they didn’t see it land. The younger woman sighed heavily and threw her hands up in defeat.“Ugh..for Fuck’s sake.-Don’t use Fuck’s name in vain!-Well, I don’t worship Fuck, so I don’t really care…-You do seem to enjoy worshipping me when we fuck though…”
Relationships: Zelda Spellman/Mary Wardwell | Madam Satan | Lilith
Comments: 14
Kudos: 15
Collections: Madam Spellman Fictober Challenge





	One must not keep a mouse in the house

**Author's Note:**

> This is my submission for the Madam Spellman Fictober Challenge: week 5 bonus prompt: Crack!  
> I had way too much fun writing it. I hope you enjoy!

Zelda was walking home through the woods from the Academy, inhaling the crisp winter air, small clouds forming in front of her with her every exhale, and the only sound that could be heard was the crunch of fresh snow beneath her feet. She held her fur tightly around herself, her cheeks turned pink from the cold. She was lost in thought, letting her overactive mind wander freely, and before she knew it, she had reached the mortuary. She made her way up to the porch and into the mansion, discarding her shoes, fur coat and gloves by the door.

The whole family would be out until dinner, so she looked forward to spending some quiet and peaceful time alone. She went into the parlour, surprised to see a familiar head of dark hair peeking from the back of an armchair.

“Lilith?”

The First Woman only hummed, as if the redhead should have been expecting to find her there. The High Priestess walked around to go and kiss her hello, only to see her with a tumbler of whiskey in one hand, and absently petting a huge brown rat that was sitting on her shoulder with the other.

“What the fuck is this?”

“Hmm? Oh...well, first of all, it isn’t a what, but a who.”

She said nonchalantly and Zelda rolled her eyes, a look of disgust creeping up on her face. She crossed an arm around her middle, like she always unconsciously did when taking a somewhat defensive, wary posture, and conjured a lit cigarette.

“Fine.  _ Who  _ the fuck is this, then?”

She asked without trying to hide the blatant disapproval in her voice.

“Language, darling.”

The redhead was almost fuming at this point, her patience running thin.

“ _ WHOM  _ the fuck is this?”

Lilith’s lips curled into a self-satisfied smirk.

“My rat.”

The younger woman huffed, exasperated.

“That seems obvious enough. What is it doing here?”

“ _ He _ is mine. I thought I might need a replacement after Stolas betrayed me and I turned him to ash.”

“Hmm...fair enough, but you are not keeping him here. I should hope he is a familiar at least?”

She kept a safe distance, as if the rodent might pounce and attack her. Lilith ignored her first words and only answered the question.

“I don’t know what he is yet, and I frankly don’t care. We like a bit of mystery. Come introduce yourself, darling.”

The red-haired witch seemed to hesitate for a second, then scrunched up her nose, showing clear aversion to the whole idea of approaching the creature.

“Certainly not. Rats are riddled with disease, and I don’t like his...face. He is staring at me in a weird way. I don’t like it. Seems suspicious.”

Lilith snorted and looked up at her lover with a mischievous glint in her eye, quirking an eyebrow.

“Is the great Zelda Spellman... _ afraid  _ of a small, inoffensive animal?”

“What? No! I just don’t want him here. One must not keep a mouse in the house.”

“Don’t disrespect him. He is a  _ rat.” _

“Ugh...same difference.”

She said in a bored tone, going to sit on the couch by the fire, across from the demoness.

“I swear to you, if I didn’t love you so much, he would have already been yeeted out of here.”

“I love you too, but if you had done that, I would’ve had to punish you, with great pleasure. Also, what fun vocabulary you have acquired, my dear. I have taught you well.”

The Spellman matriarch’s eyes darkened, memories of the last time the brunette had “punished” her flashing before her eyes and she sighed heavily, trying to compose herself and hide the effect the older woman’s words had on her.

A slightly awkward silence fell over them; Zelda lazily puffing on her cigarette and Lilith sipping on her Scotch, stroking her new pet’s soft fur. Then the redhead asked, curiosity taking over.

“Does he have a name?”

The Queen of Hell smiled in delight, as if she had been hoping she would ask, and deadpanned.

“Ratatata.”

The High Priestess couldn’t hold back and she burst out laughing. Lilith glared at her, contorting her features into a perfect look of mock offence. It took the younger woman a ridiculously long time to calm down. Then she said teasingly, between unsuccessfully suppressed chuckles.

“Bitch what the fuck, seriously? Ratatata?”

She snorted loudly, in a most uncharacteristic way.

“You told me not to disrespect him, but a name like that...I can’t believe he has accepted it!”

“Well...I can’t say for sure that he has, but he hasn’t shown any kind of disapproval either, so far, meaning I will keep calling him Ratatata until he starts protesting. If that happens, hopefully, his mates won’t be going on strike to show their support…”

She randomly added, quite cryptically, and the Spellman matriarch’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“His... _ mates _ ?”

“Yeah! His mates, his friends, his pals, his dudebros. They’ve been doing great work weeding Hilda’s garden! We pay them in leftover cheese and they haven’t complained.”

“Right…”

She crushed her cigarette in a nearby ashtray and got up from the couch, walking towards Lilith with smooth, almost cat-like steps, and the First Woman gazed at her questioningly over the rim of her crystal tumbler.

Zelda leaned over her, placing her arms on either side of the other witch’s head, virtually caging her in the armchair. She took Ratatata by the tail and dropped him on the floor like a piece of trash. The rodent squeaked upon landing; he was shooketh.

“Hey!”

“Shut up.”

The redhead said before kissing her passionately, tasting the remnants of alcohol on her lips. The brunette moaned into her mouth before she pushed her back and got to her feet. She crouched down and scooped her rat off the floor, placing him back on her shoulder and he chirped happily. She then took the High Priestess by the hand to lead her outside. She resisted at first, slightly confused.

“Oh, come on! I want to show you the guys outside! They’re doing such a good job, digging the weeds out from under the snow. It’s cute.”

She pulled her with her, not bothering to put shoes on.

“Look at those two...working five feet apart cause they’re not gay...I think they’re in denial, wouldn’t you agree?”

She turned to look up at the slightly taller woman with a funny smile playing on her lips.

“Sure...now we have gay rats with internalized homophobia working in our garden. We love to see it.”

Lilith chuckled lightly, then Zelda asked, conjuring another cigarette and taking a deep, slow drag.

“Do they all have names?”

“Yeah...though Hilda knows them all better than me. Those two are called Twinkie and Ass Bandit for...well, for obvious reasons.”

The Spellman matriarch snorted then pointed to an oddly bright red rat with tiny horns.

“Who’s that one? Looks like a Satan worshipper to me.”

“I like to call him Lucy  _ Fur.  _ Get it? Cause he looks like-”

“Got it thanks.”

They stood silent for a while, Lilith casually against the railing while the redhead watched the rats do they work, seemingly happy to do it. She almost looked entranced, her emerald green eyes following their scurrying around with great focus, and the First Woman teased.

“You look like a cat.”

The younger woman turned around so fast her neck could have snapped, sending her an annoyed glare, which made the brunette chuckle.

“Relax. You know how much I love to eat pussy.”

Zelda huffed and rolled her eyes, but swiftly turned back around to hide the blush that was creeping up her pale cheeks. Then she pointed to another rat; a white one with beige spots that was wearing a dark red beret and nibbling on a tiny baguette.

“What’s up with that one?”

“Oh...we call her Gemma Pell because she keeps starting to introduce herself in french but never gets to her actual name. We assume she’s some kind of weird parisian hippie rat.”

The High Priestess conjured a croissant and took a bite, suddenly craving a french pastry upon meeting a parisian rat.

“Huh...wait, is that a tortoise over there?”

“Yup. He is a great guardian, never lets anyone pass through the gate. He always breathes out a menacing “You shall not pass!”...and he is way more vicious than he looks, so we named him Voldetort.”

“A Harry Potter reference, really?”

She asked but couldn’t stop a small laugh from escaping her, and Lilith just rolled her eyes, not bothering to answer. 

“Zelds?”

“Hmm?”

“Wanna see a butterfly?”

“I- yes...they’re beautiful.”

The brunette smirked and conjured a large stick of butter. The redhead’s eyes widened and she sent her a warning glare.

“I swear to you, Lily, if you dare to throw that stick of-”

The demoness just laughed and yeeted the stick of butter out into the forest, her demon strength making it fly so far they didn’t see it land. The younger woman sighed heavily and threw her hands up in defeat.

“Ugh..for Fuck’s sake.”   
  


“Don’t use Fuck’s name in vain!”

“Well, I don’t worship Fuck, so I don’t really care…”

“You do seem to enjoy worshipping me when we fuck though…”

She said in a low, sultry voice before winking at her, and the High Priestess felt butterflies fluttering in the pit of her stomach and her knees weaken. There was a short silence until the older woman broke it.

“Come on, Ratatata, let’s go back inside.”

“This will never not be funny…and I honestly don’t get how you can keep clicking your tongue so fast to say his name.”

She started walking back into the house when she felt her Queen’s hot breath tickling her neck as she whispered in her ear.

_ “Well, a certain wicked witch has recently needed me to make much use of it, so I have gotten a lot of practice. You could say I have quite the...talented...tongue.” _

She emphasized the adjective and felt her lover shiver at the words, making her smirk devilishly. She was standing so close behind her that her rodent managed to jump onto Zelda’s shoulder, making her jump.

“Aaahhh, stooop! I could’ve dropped my croissant! Control your vermin, Lily!”

The brunette grabbed him and held him protectively against her chest. They went back inside, sitting down next to each other on the couch, and Lilith smiled, noticing the younger woman seemed less uncomfortable around Ratatata.

After a few moments, the demoness placed the rat down next to her and got up to go to the bathroom, and Zelda eyed him curiously, then hesitantly reached out and petted him gently, marvelling at how incredibly soft his fur was.

“Maybe you are not so bad afterall…”

She admitted, mostly to herself, but she could’ve sworn she saw him nuzzle her hand at the words. She gave him the last crumbs of her croissant, which he gobbled up greedily, then picked him up and placed him on her shoulder like the other woman did and stood to make her way into the kitchen. When Lilith returned, she came face to face with her and stared up at her with a strange look in her eyes.

“Daddy?”

“What the- do I LOOK like-?”

“Sorry. Poor eyesight. That mortal bitch was blind as a bat.”

“Great excuse….”

“Admit it was funny!”

“Sure…”

It was somehow only then that Lilith noticed her pet sitting on her lover’s shoulder, looking quite comfortable there, and she smiled widely, buzzing with excitement like a small child who just got given a lollipop.

“Ha! You like him! And he seems to like you!”

“Maybe…”

Zelda lazily stroked Ratata, the demoness resting her head on her shoulder, both getting so relaxed they almost fell asleep. They were startled back to reality when they heard the front door open and slam shut, hearing Sabrina chanting in a comically nasally voice.

“LeBron James. LeBron James. LeBron Jaames...LeBron James. LeBron James.”

The brunette turned to look at the redhead questioningly.

“What’s up with her?”

“Oh, nothing. You know...teenage hormones, makes her brain glitch from time to time.”

They laughed lightly, the white-haired witch’s voice slowly fading away as she went up to her room. A few moments later, Ambrose came padding down the stairs, going into the kitchen to grab a snack, and the two women went to join him. Lilith opened the fridge and at least a dozen of lemons came tumbling out of it. She sighed.

“Well...when life gives you lemons…”

“You make lemonade, Lily.”

Zelda said, smoking her third cigarette while making herself an espresso.

“I suppose so…”

The demoness took the container of sugar from the cupboard -she spent so much time with the Spellmans she almost knew where everything was- and started pressing the citrus fruit.

The warlock opened a drawer, finding a pack of his favourite peanuts, and squealed with joy.

“Deez nuts. HA! Got eeeem!”

The witches ignored his antics and they all settled down around the table; Ambrose and his nuts, Lilith and her huge glass of lemonade, Zelda with her doses of caffeine and nicotine.

“Do you ever like, wake up or do- like uh- do something and you’re just like “what the he- fuck is going on?” ”

The younger woman and the Queen of Hell turned to look at him, an eyebrow raised.

“Are you high, Ambrose?”

“Maybe…”

He smirked and threw a handful of peanuts into his mouth before going back up to his attic.

Hilda soon came home from work, finding the other witches in the kitchen, and she smiled warmly at them.

“Shall we go?”

“Go where?”

Her sister asked in a tone much colder than she had intended.

“To visit the farm. Sabrina wanted to observe the animals for some science project at school.”

“Why should we go with her?”

Then the demoness jumped in.

“Come on, Zelds! I’ve never seen earth animals…”

“Seriously? Well except for that rat of yours…”

“Yeah.”

Only then did Hilda notice Ratatata on her sister’s shoulder, a surprised expression on her face. She went to pet him and marvelled at how soft his brown fur was.

“Hey you...What’s your name?”

“Ratatata, ma’am.”

He answered in an extremely deep and gravelly voice, and the three women jumped before Zelda exclaimed, visibly alarmed.

“The fuck? So he speaks?”

“Apparently...still doesn’t tell us what he is though, because familiars only speak telepathically…”

Lilith mused. A few minutes later, the blonde called her niece down. They all put their warm coats and boots on before driving to the Putnams’ farm. Sabrina ran to greet Theo.

“Hi!”

“Okay…”

He then took her with him to show her the pigs. The young witch looked at them and exclaimed.

“Look at all those chickens!”

Her older aunt came to stand behind her and sighed heavily.

“Those are pigs, niece…”

“Oh…”

She seemed genuinely surprised by the new information and Lilith snorted.

They all walked around the farm for a couple of hours, the mortal boy introducing them to all his favourite animals. They thanked him for the tour and drove back to the mortuary.

When they arrived, Hilda went into the kitchen to get started on dinner and the others went to settle down in the parlour, each of them with a mug of conjured hot chocolate. The smell must have somehow wafted up to the attic because Ambrose came running down the stairs and tripped on the last stepped. He half-cursed a little too loudly while walking into the living room.

“Mothertrucker dude. That hurt like a buttcheek on a stick.”

The First Woman glared at him, an expression of disapproval on her face and deadpanned in a comically high-pitched voice.

“Watch your profa-nity.”

The redhead chuckled but he chose to ignore the two witches and sat down crossed-legged on the carpet. He conjured a mug of hot chocolate for himself, and they all enjoyed it in relative silence. They eventually turned on the television to watch the news, and Lilith stared at the asian presenter with great interest, trying and failing to contain her laughter when she mispronounced a complicated word.

“Not to be racist or anything...but asian people- HUUUUUH”

The very strange wheeze that came out of her made them all burst out into hysterical laughter. When they calmed down, they heard the bubbly witch calling out for them to join her in the kitchen, announcing dinner was ready. The brunette saw a carved watermelon with watermelon cubes inside it sitting on the counter, and she clapped her hands excitedly.

“It’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life! It’s watermelone! Inside a watermelone!”

Zelda rolled her eyes but chuckled lightly.

“Calm down, Lily, it’s just a fruit…”

Her lover gave her an annoyed look but went to take her place at the table beside her without further comment.

Later that night, Zelda and Lilith were laying in bed, engaging in their most...favourite activity, without trying to be quiet, when Sabrina’s familiar appeared at the foot of their bed, standing on his hind legs and clanging two large metal trays together while chanting.

“I ain’t never gonna sleep cause o’ yaaaaa’ll! You’re never gonna sleep cause of meee!”

They sat up and glared at him, exclaiming in unison.

“Fuck off, Salem!!”

The cat rolled his eyes, but gave up and left, finally leaving them alone.

They rolled around in bed, kissing passionately, and made love until the early hours of the morning.


End file.
